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Correo Electronico

Sons of Liberty Lodge #301

Humor Masonico

If you have any jokes you would like to add to this list please send them to us.

There's a man, walking down the street at 1 in the morning and he's very drunk.
    A policeman stops him and asks: Where are you going in that condition?
    Man: II'mm on mmyy waayyy to a lectttuurre on FFreemmassonnrrry.
    Officer: Where can you possibly get a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of night?
    Man: Frromm mmyy wifffe, wwhenn I gget homme!

It seems that another Mason, Master of his Lodge, went to Heaven and met with St. Peter.
    He identified himself as a member of the Craft and St. Peter asked, "What Lodge?"
    Proudly the Master replied, "Old Adage Lodge #1."
    St. Peter immediately took him to the Masonic Clock Room. The Master, in puzzlement, looked around the room which was filled with clocks. Each clock had a Lodge's name on a brass plate and, strangely enough, each clock was at a different time.
    He asked why and St. Peter informed him that the hands only moved when someone in that Lodge made a mistake in the Ritual.
    The Master then asked where his Lodge's clock was as he couldn't see it.
    St. Peter replied, "Why, it's in the kitchen, of course."
    "The kitchen," said the Master?
    "Yes, you see, we needed a new fan."

Pat & Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years. They had promised each other that the first to go to the Grand Lodge above would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges in Heaven and what they were like. By and by, it came to pass that Bill went first.
    One day shortly after, Pat was working in his garden when he heard a whispered voice, " Pssst Pat!" He looked around but saw nothing.
    A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly " Pat! Its me, Bill!"
    "Bill" Pat exclaimed, " are you in Heaven?"
    "Indeed I am" said Bill.
    Pat paused for a while to get over the shock and then said "Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?"
    "There certainly are, Pat. There are Lodges all over and they are quite magnificent, equal or better to Great Queen Street. The meetings are well attended, the ritual is word perfect, the festive board fantastic and the spirit of Masonic Fellowship is all pervasive."
    "My goodness, Bill," said Pat, "It certainly sounds very impressive but for all that you seem rather sad. Tell me old friend, what is the matter."
    "Well, Pat, you are right. I have some good news and some bad."
    "OK, so what's the good news?"
    "The good news is that we are doing a 3rd this coming Wednesday"
    "Great" said Pat. "What's the bad news then?"
    "You're the Senior Deacon!

Q: How many Masons does it take to unscrew a light bulb?
A: It's a secret!

Q: How many Masons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the previous light bulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain that this wasn't the way they USED to screw in light bulbs.

Q. How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb?
A. After much research this tricky question can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows:

2 to complain that the light doesn't work.
1 to pass the problem to either another committee, the Temple Board or the Master of the Lodge.
3 to do a study on light in the Lodge.
2 to check out the types of lights the Knights of Columbus use.
3 to argue about it.
5 to plan a fund-raising dinner to raise money for the bulb.
2 to complain that "that's not the way we did it before."
1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb and install it.
1 to order the brass memorial plate and have it inscribed.

A little before Lodge is about to open an old man totters up to the Tyler and says, "I'm here to receive my 2nd degree."
    Well, they all look at this guy, who really is older than dirt, and they ask him to explain.
    "I was entered on July 4, 1922. Now I'm ready for my 2nd degree."
    So they go scurrying for the records, and sure enough, there was his name, entered on July 4, 1922.
    "Where have you been all these years? What took you so long to be ready for your 2nd?" they ask.
    He replied: "I was learning to subdue my passions!"

Some few years back, just after the introduction of Random Breath Testing, the Police officers of a small country township had to show the community that the RBT was working. They decided to stake out the local Masonic Hall, then as the night wore on, eventually a mason slowly came down the stairs and got into his car.
The moment he started the engine the two officers approached him and asked him to "blow into the bag". He did of course but to the amazement of the officers proved negative. Fearing a faulty bag tried again, with the same results. Sure of a possible conviction they then escorted him to the Police station to do a blood test, with it also proving negative.
Being upset with this they then asked him what had gone on and what he had done that evening, to which he answered, "The Grand Master was there, the Grand Secretary was there, the Grand Stewards were there and we all had a great time, as to my job I was the Grand Decoy".

A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the sentence was executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words. "Yes" came his reply, "I hate Masons!" "Why do you hate Masons?" asked the hangman. "The man I killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the sheriff who hunted me down was a Mason, the Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge who presided at the trial was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who found me guilty and said I should be hanged were Masons!" "Is that all?" asked the hangman, " "Yes" replied the convicted murder. "Then you will advance one step with your left foot."

A Mason was having trouble with his ritual, and was telling a fellow mason in a pub one day, and his friend said I know a bloke down the road who sells Parrots who know the ritual and prompt you when you have any trouble.
So the next day off he went to the shop, and the man said "yes I have three", he pulled a curtain across and there were 3 parrots, one with a master mason's apron on, one with a masters apron, and one with a grand lodge apron on.
The man said "how much is the one with the master’s apron on."

"$2000.00 and he knows all the ritual including the inner workings, and will always prompt you when you get stuck."

"No", he said "to expensive", "what about the one with the MM apron on."

"Well, that one is $1,000.00 and he knows all the ritual, but not the inner workings, but will always prompt you when you learning it."

"No to much, what about the one with the grand lodge apron on."

"You can have him for $10.00."

"Why so cheap, he must know all the ritual and the inner workings?"

"Oh yes, he knows all the ritual, but when you make a mistake all he does is sit there and go, tut! tut! tut!!

The Worshipful Master of our Lodge found a bottle with a Genie in it. In accordance with custom, the Genie offered to grant him a wish.
    "OK," said the WM, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate to fly. So my wish is for you to build a bridge so I can drive to Hawaii."
    "I can't do that!!!" exclaimed the Genie. "Don't you know that's impossible? No Genie could do that. It's too far, the water is too deep, it's just totally beyond anybody's power. You will have to make another wish."
    "OK," said the Master. "I wish that at our next Stated Meeting all the old PMs would just get along and not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not put down the current officers ... just sit on the sidelines and behave!"
    "Hmmmmm," said the Genie. "Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??"

A small Lodge had had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening in June and it's air conditioner had stopped working. After sweating their way through part of the work, the Master had asked the candidate what he most desired. The candidate replied "a beer". At this juncture the WM., being startled, whispered "light" to the candidate. "OK," the
candidate replied, "a lite beer."

It seems a Jewish family had rented an apartment that sat directly under the Masonic Temple, and at least once a month they would always hear this stomping from above.
One day Izzy told his wife he was going to drill a hole in the ceiling and see what those Masons were up to. After doing so, one evening he heard some stomping coming from above, so he got his ladder, climbed up and decided to take a peek.
After a few moments, he flew down the ladder and ran in and told his wife to pack all their belongs and "Let's get out of here and fast !!!"
When she asked why, Izzy told her that he was just peeking in on the Masons above and saw them kill a man and said they were going to blame it on the 'JEW-BELOW.'

-- Found on a cup in a Lodge in Ireland:

"OLD MASONS NEVER DIE, BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO JOIN TO FIND OUT WHY

A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury on the football pitch he is passing. "What's going on?" he asks a spectator watching from the side-lines. The other replies "It's a match between the Masons and the Knights of St Columba." "What's the score?" asks the first man. "I don't know, it's a secret."

rough ashlar

One evening after a brother had been a guest at an installation, he had partaken of too much wine, and his host was very worried, as he did not want him to drive home in his present state which was some distance away, so insisted that he stay the night at his house, and travel home the next morning, and after much persuasion this is what he did.

When he got home the next morning, his wife was furious with him because he had forgotten to phone, and she did not believe his story about staying with a brother because of the state he was in, but wondered if he had been with another women, however she pretended to believe him, by asking how the ceremony had gone, and asked how many other brethren had been there and all the regular questions that wives do ask, and he told her that it had been an excellent Lodge meeting and that 65 brethren had turn up etc. However at the next Lodge meeting when the secretary rose to read out correspondence, he read a letter from the wife asking if the brother where her husband had stayed the night after the last lodge meeting would please write to her and confirm his story that he had stayed the night at his house because he was unfit to drive home.
The next day in the post she received 64 letters.

here was another husband who, in response to questioning from his wife, decided to tell her an outlandish story. "Well," he said, "we put a naked woman on the altar and then dance in a circle around her."

"Do you look?" asked his wife.

"Of course I look," he said. "Otherwise I'd be an Oddfellow."

young Entered Apprentice was being posted on his proficiency. After going over the signs and passwords, he looked at his poster and asked, "I noticed several of the older members sticking their fingers in their ears and whistling. What does that sign mean?"

"That's not a sign," his poster said, "Those are Past Masters adjusting their hearing aids."

We really like using symbols!

A postman, on his route, picked up a letter from a mailbox that was addressed to GOD. The postman, seeing that the letter was not sealed, and there being no postage on it, opened and read it. It was from a man who was down on his luck, and was asking God for help. The letter asked for $50 to get his family through the next week. The postman, being a Mason, took the letter to Lodge that evening, read it, and asked for donations for the unfortunate fellow. The Masons, wanting to help, took up a collection, and received twenty five dollars from the brethren. The Secretary placed the cash in a Lodge envelope, and gave it to the postman to deliver the following day, which he did. Another day passed, and the postman again found an unsealed letter in the mailbox addressed to GOD. Again he opened and read the letter, which thanked God for the money, but instructed him to send any future funds through the Knights of Columbus, as the Masons had kept half.

A wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he had left for the night. She said, "Honey, I thought you were going to your lodge meeting." "It was postponed." He replied. "The wife of the Generalisimo Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn't let him attend tonight."

Police officer, writing a speeding ticket: "I see by your car emblem that you are a Fast Master..."

- or -

Police officer, writing a speeding ticket: "I'm afraid you aren't going to make it to Ethiopia..."

Have you heard the story about that fellow who wants to go hunting? He needed a dog and consulted a Brother. That brother, who sold dogs, gave him one, called JW. "It's a very good dog", he said, "he knows a lot about hunting and you can truly rely on him".

Our fellow took that dog. One week later he returned. "It's not too bad, but he doesn't seem to be very experienced. Haven't you got another dog?"

"Sure I have", said the Brother. "This one for example is called SW and he's a bit more experienced. Try him and if you don't like him, feel free to come back."

Indeed, our fellow returned the dog two weeks later. "He's quite good actually, but he's not what I'm looking for. Still I need a dog which is more experienced." "Well", said the Brother, "I can offer you a really experienced dog. He's called PM and you'll have good time with him."
So our fellow took the animal. Just one day later he returned. "What's wrong with him?", the Brother asked, "I haven't got any dog that is more experienced than this one."

"Well", our fellow said, "he might be experienced, but all he's doing is sitting there and barking!"

A Quaker Mason formed one of an indiscriminate company of cowans at an inn, where the landlord was also a Brother. Numerous jokes were cracked at the expense of the Fraternity, and the Quaker was called upon to show them a Mason's sign.

One of the company offered to give him a bottle of wine if he would comply with their wishes; and, at length, though with much apparent reluctance, he agreed, on the condition that the wine should be immediately produced, and that the individual consented to receive the communication privately; the Quaker adding: "Friend, if thou does not confess to the company that I have shown thee a Freemason's sign, I will pay for the wine myself."

The proposition was too reasonable to be refused, and the curious candidate for Masonic

knowledge retired into another room with his formal friend. When there, the following dialogue took place:

Quaker: "So friend, thou are desirous of seeing a Freemason's sign?"

Cowan: "I am."

Quaker: "Canst thou keep a secret?"

Cowan: "Try me."

Quaker: "Good! Thou knowest that our friend Johnson (the innkeeper) is a Mason?"

Cowan: "I do."

Quaker: "Very well." Then taking him by the arm, he led him to the window. "Dost thou see that

ramping lion which swings from yonder upright post?"

Cowan: "To be sure I do - it is our landlord's sign."

Quaker: "Good! Then friend, our landlord being a Freemason thou art satisfied that I have shown

thee a Freemason's sign, and thy bottle of wine is forfeited. For thy own sake, thou wilt keep the

secret."

The cowan returned to the room with a look of astonishment, confessed that he had received the

desired information; and the mystery, which he had purposely observed, tempted others to purchase the secret at the same price.

Two Master Masons were enjoying a flight in a hot air balloon when suddenly a thick black cloud formed between them and the ground below. Being without instruments, they were truly lost. After about a half an hour they came across a large hole in the clouds and saw a man below walking his dog.

After some conversation they realized that the man on the ground was from the Craft also. The men in the balloon asked the Brother on the ground exactly where was their location. The man on the ground replied, "About 200 feet in the air; in a balloon."

Just then the black cloud closed up and the Brothers in the balloon were alone again. One Brother turned to the other and said, I bet that Brother is the Secretary of his Lodge. The other Brother asked "How do you know that?" The first Brother replied, "What he just told us was absolutely true - but in our present predicament it is totally useless."

Have you heard of the Lodge that was holding its meetings in the ball room
of the local hotel while its building was undergoing renovations?

One night a traveling salesman asked the desk clerk who all those men
going into the room were. The desk clerk replied "Oh, those are the
Masons."

The salesman said, "Oh, I've always wanted to join that lodge. Do you
think they would let me in?"

"Oh, no," said the clerk. "They're awful exclusive. Why, you see that
poor guy standing outside the door with a sword? He's been knocking for
six months and they still won't let him in!!!"

The Structure of a Lodge (Humor)

The Worshipful Master

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.

Is more powerful than an Intercity Express.

Is faster than a speeding bullet

Walks on water.

Gives policy to God....

The Senior Warden

Leaps short buildings with a single bound.

Is more powerful than a goods train.

Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.

Walks on the water if the sea is calm.

Talks with God

The Junior Warden

Leaps short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind.

Is almost as powerful as a good train.

Is faster than a speeding air gun pellet.

Walks on water of a swimming pool.

Talks with God if special dispensation is given.

The Senior Deacon

Barely clears a garden hut.

Loses a tug-of-war with a train.

Can fire a speeding bullet.

Swims well.

Is occasionally addressed by God

The Junior Deacon

Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap building.

Is run over by trains.

Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.

Doggie paddles.

Talks with the animals.

The Marshal

Runs into buildings.

Recognizes trains two out of three times.

Is not issued ammunition.

Can stay afloat with a life vest.

Talks to walls

The Stewards

Fall over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings.

Say "Look at the choo choo's".

Wets one another with water pistols.

Play in mud puddles.

Senior mumbles to Junior

Junior mumbles to himself

The Secretary

Lifts buildings and walks under them.

Kicks trains off the tracks.

Catches speeding bullets in his mouth and eats them.

Freezes water with a single glance.

Is convinced he is God!

"The Value of a Smile" taken from the Alberta Grand Lodge Bulletin of February 1978, provides a fitting summary for this paper. M.W. Bro. W.J. Collett was editor at that time.

THE VALUE OF A SMILE

• It costs nothing, but creates much.

• It enriches those who receive, with out impoverishing those who give.

• It happens in a flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.

• None are so rich that they can get along without it and none are so poor but are richer for its benefits.

• It creates happiness in the home, fosters goodwill in a business and is the countersign of friends.

• It is rest to the weary, daylight to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad and nature's best antidote for trouble.

• Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen for it is something that is no earthly good to anybody until it is given away.

• And if it ever happens that some of our Brethren should be too tired to give you a smile may we ask you to leave one of yours?

• For nobody needs a smile so much as those who have none left to give.

-Best wishes to all,